Mother's Day... The worst Holiday for me...

From as far back as I can remember all i have ever wanted was to be a mommy. I had baby dolls galore when growing up. It's all I've ever wanted... to be a Mommy. It's a constant struggle living with infertility; to know the one thing you want above all else is the one thing you may never have.

And a mommy to a human baby I am not; but I am a mommy to my 3 cats and 1 puppy; which I see all the time "furry baby mommies are not real mommies". And that breaks my heart because they are my kids. I love them as much as I would love my own flesh & blood.

So Mother's Day is not my favorite day of the year; it's actually the worst day of the year for me... because of the Infertility... and I have 3 awesome women in my life that are "mom" to me; and then there's the woman who gave birth to me; who makes this day even harder than it already is...

First... We have MOTHER - the woman who gave birth to me, did not raise me, has caused much more grief, hurt, anxiety and anger than any mother should give to her child. When I told her I was having surgery and may never be able to have kids again she actually said to me that it was MY PUNISHMENT for her not being able to raise me or see me grow up... Yes. That was gut wrenching; to open up to your Mother and leave yourself as raw as possible... I never should have told her anything about my infertility or cancer issues.

I remember being at my grandparent's house a lot growing up (Her Dad & Step-Mom). They would help Daddy take care of me. I remember wanting her attention and she'd just stare out the window. She had issues... Issues after I came along. I wish I could have known her before she fell apart. The young, vibrant, beautiful lady that my Daddy fell in love with. Instead I have horrible memories of a woman who has tried to kill me and my dad. Who's violent husbands has served no other purpose but to push me further away from her.

I have tried off and on to build a relationship with her. Daddy never tried to keep me from her although I know he wanted to. She did not have court ordered visitation rights to see me and the few times I saw her growing up they had to be supervised at all times... Because of her I spent about 9 months of my toddler years in a foster care home I don't remember anything about it; I was so young. But I do remember my 2nd foster home; one of her Sisters and one of my Dad's biggest allies on her side of the family kept me for several years. To this day I remember thinking that her 2 sons were my brothers and she was my mom. But I knew the truth, deep down inside I knew the truth.

Daddy finally got custody of me again; I was about 6 years old... I was taken at 2 years old, I spent 4 years in a foster home. I am blessed that it was with family. I am blessed that I got to see my dad on a regular basis because it was family. I remember Mother trying to see me when she got out of the hospital... she'd try and be sneaky about it. I remember her and my Aunt getting into fights over me.

My 2nd "mom" is Gwen... She's daddy's 2nd wife and the mother of Gaia. They married when I was 5 or 6 years old. Gaia came just before I turned 7. I know that she did her best with me but I remember her being very distant. To this day she is still more like a friend than a mom. I still call her mom... She and I have the same name; so it did get a little confusing in the house sometimes! She and daddy divorced not too longer after Gaia turned 1... Gwen tried to still be a mom figure to me but she was so busy with her life and other things that I kind of fell to the way side. Which I don't blame her. Her sole responsibility was my sister. And that's okay. I still love her and I am thankful that she's been there for me when I did need her.

(I'm skipping #3 on purpose... she doesn't really count as she was only in my life the few months they were married...)

My 3rd "mom" is Momma... Daddy's 4th wife. They have been together since I was about 18/19 years old... After I graduated high school myself, Jed and Sulley lived together in Sulley's mom's house when she went to stay with her mom... I spent most of my time going back & forth between Sulley's and Daddy's until Momma and Daddy got married. I will admit our relationship was not the best and I didn't think we would ever see eye to eye on anything; after all she came into my life when I didn't feel I needed a mom anymore, I had "grown up". But finally, miracle beyond all miracles, we got along!! And here we are; several years later... it's not the perfect or most ideal mother/daughter relationship but she is the closest thing I've ever had to tried and true mom. I can talk to her about things and she gives good advice. I know she makes my daddy happy so that makes me happy.

My BONUS MOM is Mumsy! Maverick's mom. She's been the best mother-in-law a girl could ever wish for!! She's honest, supportive, understanding... I could just go on and on. I wish she was my birth mom - okay, that's weird yes given the fact that I'm married to her youngest son but I think you get the gist of what i'm saying. I am so very blessed and thankful that I have a terrific mother in law. It truly does make the world a better place!!

I wanted to give a shout out to all of Daddy's friend's wives/girlfriends & my friend's Moms who tried to help & step in when needed while I was growing up. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't know how to do make up, cook, kind of do my hair, paint my fingers & toesies... or knew what to do when my first menses came. Those are the women who are truly a blessing in any girls life.. the ones who cared about the single dad's daughter, the ones who stepped up when they didn't have to and the ones who took the outcast bird under their wing and taught them to fly.

So how does one with infertility issues avoid the hurt, aches and pains of Mother's Day?... I hide. I don't get on Facebook or other social media for the whole weekend starting on Friday and a lot of times I skip Monday too (that's why this is getting posted now... not later)... it hurts seeing all the HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY posts to everyone. I get on for 5 seconds to send a quick shout out to my sisters and Moms then I log off and avoid it like the plaque. Avoid the Hallmark Channel and anything really that COULD have a MOM theme... It's so hard living life feeling like you're empty inside; that there's nothing that could ever fill that hole inside your soul. Thankfully I have my 4 furry babies; but since the fire I seem to dwell on the 2 I lost... And I can't help that; like any mother who lost a child I grieve for them everyday.

To all the Human Mommies, Furry Baby Mommies and Mommies whose children are no longer with us... I wish you the Best Mom's Day that you could possible have...

The One In Which They Say "I Do"

I am so excited today... Today we get to talk about my most favorite day ever... For example this morning Maverick was looking at the "On This Day" post on facebook and 5 years ago today I tagged him in a post

it's a wonder that anyone can even stand to be near me right now... seriously if it was possible i'd be exploding like a damn firecracker every 5 seconds. i am too freaking happy to be marrying this man! and i can not contain my excitement anymore! we are officially less than a week until i am his wife!

I was pretty intense that whole month prior; honestly I was just bursting at the seams. All I could think about was how I was going to get married! The whole 2 years from "Will you" to "I do" was about as wound up as a clock could get. Every chance I could it was "wedding wedding wedding" from planning it to all the details down to the shoes we were wearing and the food we were eating. I wanted it to be perfect.

But before we can talk about the Wedding we need to review some events that occurred before the big day... that made the big day that awesome fantastic day that it was.

About a month after the Proposal we went and attended the 25th Wedding Anniversary celebration for one of Momma's sisters. In turn we walked away with a bunch of centerpieces for our wedding because they had a Hawaiian theme and we were having a beach themed wedding. And of course we walked away with a bunch of ideas for little touches. Plus SHE GAVE THEM TO US free! So that helped save us a ton of money.

Less than a month later I had to have my spine fused so all I did was crochet Maverick's blanket and think WEDDING. I'm pretty sure that Momma & Mumsy were tired of me calling and texting there for a while. But if they were annoyed or aggravated then it didn't show because HONESTLY between you, me and the hole in the ground Maverick & I mentioned eloping to them... going to the beach or traveling somewhere and getting married with just the two of us; hire a local photographer and have some awesome memories: Wedding & Honeymoon all-in-one location!! But they insisted we have a real wedding since neither one of us had a real wedding with our priors. I was skeptical about having a fancy shindig but we kept it simple, Momma helped bring the beach to Arkansas and it was perfect. OH but I'm getting ahead of myself!!

One of my missions while I had time on my hands was to try and find a place for our Wedding & Ceremony! Which was super hard to do since we wanted to get married in Arkansas and lived in Illinois. Then a brilliant idea struck me... We were hesitant because we couldn't visit the locations just see photos online... and I was thinking about how we wanted our wedding outdoors and a pure genius strike of "she has a good idea once in a while" I showed Maverick photos of Gaia & Aeon's wedding. He and I both agreed it was the perfect location. I called her to make sure she was okay with it and we had the hardest part checked off the list.

Photo from Gaia and Aeon's wedding... we took a trip up later after it was booked & scoped it out. We ended up not using this exact spot but a spot a few feet over to the left, it had a more beachy feel to it. What mattered was it was on the lake and we used the same recreation hall because of the room it had... which is good cuz we needed it!

Well, we thought it was the hardest part... the MENU... to have food or not to have food. HOW to cater food up in the Mountains on the Lake without going with the resort's caterer and spend a crap load of money!? We talked and debated over it and eventually pushed it off on the back burner to talk more the next time we visited my family which was the next Memorial Day weekend.

I gotta love my family especially when they have the greatest ideas. Traditionally we go visit my family for Memorial Day Weekend because it was a long weekend for both of us. The year after the proposal was no different especially since we were officially less than a year from the wedding and Momma needed to go over details. We picked out the bouquet (Momma made all my arrangements, by the way), solidified the colors and attire... And then it was FOOD - have food or not to have food. We attended a fish fry with Daddy's nephews & their kids that lived in Arkansas and it dawned on us... we were getting married on the lake, we love fish frys and everything about them, granted it wasn't "beachy" but it wasn't completely off the wall either! Daddy even got my cousins to cater for us because they're use to making a large menu of fish, chicken and fixins. We finally had our menu! The one thing I wanted that Momma said she wasn't gonna make; cuz she made 90% of the sides, was mac & cheese.. I KNOW RIGHT? I'm the bride... so I ended up making it myself on the morning of the wedding - no joke!

Me making my must have mac n cheese the morning of the wedding -- a girl has got to do what a girl needs to do get what a girl wants!

A couple months later we ended up packing our bags and moving to Arkansas!! It was 7 months until "I DO" and there was a lot of things that needed to be done... there was so much. We hadn't even sent out official invitations yet or a save the date or anything!! I spent every free moment putting together party favors and getting together last minute details like photographer and music. One of my very good friends I met on sneezy has a very artistic eye and I wanted her to be there so we paid for her plane ticket from California to be our official photographer and hair stylist. The DJ fell into my lap.. literally!! We were getting cable & internet hooked up at the place we moved into and I had all kinds of wedding favors spread everywhere. The technician said "Getting married?" and I was like "yup, here's your sign" (ahahahaha) and he goes "have you booked a DJ yet?" and hands me his card. Needless to say that made it easy!

Everything was finally starting to come together. Gaia helped me with our invitations; she's so creative!!

And before we knew it... it was time to go wedding dress shopping!! I asked Mumsy, Momma and Mother to go with me. I spent hours online looking for the perfect beachy dress and when it was time I had made reservations in Memphis which was close enough for Mother to be able to drive from Nashville, TN. When we got there they didn't have the dress in the color I wanted (white) in my size. I was close to having a breakdown and I am so thankful for Mumsy and Momma because they kept me together and I tried on what seemed like 100 dresses before I found THE ONE.

Everything was finally done except the rehearsal details, grooms attire and groomsmen attire. Maverick had picked his brothers to be his groomsmen so his mom made quick work of helping us have their attire figured out and ordered. Mumsy also volunteered to take care of all the rehearsal details including having Merlin cater it. We picked out our rings and I had been working with my bridesmaids on getting them dresses one on one and they each had on different dress to showcase their individual styles. On our trip to Fort Smith to get Hal's dress picked out we found the groom attire. On the many trips to my parents we sorted out all the smaller details for the wedding with Momma.

Now... all we had to do was wait... and it was a very short wait.

The week of the wedding was upon us before we knew it and Maverick's family came to town!! All the brothers were there and we spent the week with them and Mumsy having a "getting to know the woman your brother is marrying" sort of deal. Mini Golf, hanging out... going over details. It was a whirlwind but it was a blast!

The day finally arrived... it was time to head to the mountain! But before I could do that I had to head to Roland, OK to pick up Hal, grab my paycheck & pick up my gifts for the girls from my work! (I worked a resort and we had the CUTEST purses so I bought all of them matching purses in their favorite colors with little trinkets that I thought represented our friendship).

The rehearsal & dinner went off without a hitch. We had so much fun and everyone in the families and our friends got along great!! It was an awesome time. After the rehearsal all of us but Jack was able to go back to the cabin and have a girls night. We had a bon fire on the cliffs (yes, there was cliffs behind our cabin) and it was truly a great night and I cherish it always.

I was so full of nervous anxiety and energy the morning of the wedding. I was literally coming out of my skin so Larkin and Ali suggested that we all take advantage of the serenity and go for a little mini hike. It was just what I needed to get myself together.

Front: Larkin, Me & Ali
Back: Hal, Larry & Grace..
the 2 little girls are Grace's and they were my flower girls

When we got back to the cabin Jack had shown up with her daughter who was our Ring Bearer... she carried a little bear down the aisle that had our rings attached to it. Was absolutely adorable!!

The plan (as you saw in the rehearsal photo) was to have the wedding outside. However, mother nature had a different plan. The night of the rehearsal it started storming and a tornado came through. The day of the wedding it kept storming off & on with tornado warnings & watches intermittently throughout the day. Momma was always thinking on her toes and had a back up plan...

We're at the venue and I'm waiting in the bride's room. I hear the introduction music start and it's repeating over and over... I'm starting to freak out a little that Maverick had backed out on me and everyone assured me that it was all going to be okay!! Well, I had entrusted Hal with the rings and she forgot them in the cabin. The reason for the delay was Ali went to go back to get them and was having a hard time finding them where Hal said she put them... gonna give this girl a heart attack for sure!!

It seemed like forever... but finally they said it was time... and I was about to walk down the aisle to marry my most bestest friend, my lover, my hero, my savior, the man who just looks at me and I melt, his kisses leave me breathless... I was so ready to be his wife.

Flower Girls & Ring Bearer

Daddy - Also the Minister

Maverick & Daddy

Larry

Hollywood

Grace

Merlin

Jack & her daughter our Ring Bearer

Dean

Hal

Grace's Daughters & our Flower Girls

me... the Bride 

Gaia gave me away

my bridal party

his brothers/groomsmen

saying our vows

Mother during sand ceremony

Mumsy during sand ceremony

Momma during sand ceremony

Maverick & I pouring in our sand

Daddy pouring in his sand

Our Kiss

Did we really just do this?!

Everything after I walked down the aisle was a blurr and whirlwind... But... it was the perfect day!

 

THANK YOU...
Momma for all of our decorations, making the bouquets and creating a wonderful event!!
Mumsy for our hard work and dedication to our rehearsal, ensuring Maverick's brothers would be there and for their attire.
Daddy for being our minister.
Gaia for giving me away to Maverick
Mother for being there and creating a happy memory for the two of us.
Jack, Hal, Larry and Grace for being my beautiful bridesmaids. Each one of you mean the world to me and I am so very thankful for you all.
Merlin, Hollywood & Dean for standing up with your brother as he became my husband.
Larkin for doing my hair and taking our pictures.
Ali for being my rock and steady when I thought I was going to jitter right out of my skin.
All of our Friends & Family who attended to make this special day even better!

And, finally... thank you to my readers for sharing in this day and this joy with us.

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This post is the 8th in a series of posts that will chronicle milestones and anniversaries. We're coming up on our 5th year Wedding Anniversary & this summer marks 10 years of our relationship officially beginning... I hope you enjoy!!