What we in college like to affectionately call "HELL WEEK"

Next week is Spring Break, so we know what that means: Midterms. I have one more to go on Friday and then it's a week of "relaxation" aka catching up on housework!

Currently I have all As and Bs in my classes, I'm determined to make them all As.

Update on our little family: Momma's Boy got snipped today and he's not been a good patient. It does not help that Quinn wants to run and jump and play, while he's suppose to be restricted for about 2 weeks.

We started delivering newspapers again, been at it for almost a month now. The income is really good, so it was stupid not to start back. Thankfully, it's the business route and not home delivery so we get paid weekly. Downfall is that I have to drive to Little Rock once a week to submit any unsold papers for credit back to the account.

Other than trying to juggle home life, working nights, and school -things are going better than that have in a long while. We can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

OOOOH! I got a brand new car, too! She's a 2016 Hyundai Accent. She had just under 15k miles on her when we got her and her name is Meredith. Maverick picked out her name, she's a grey car and I'm going to medical school to be a nurse, so it fits! Maybe one day I'll have my PhD and be a nurse practitioner, but that is SEVERAL years into the future. Right now, just need to concentrate on getting my Associates (RN) degree.

Well, seems like Momma's Boy finally gave up the good fight and is resting, and Quinn is napping too. I'm gonna take this rare opportunity to take a nap before work.

Toodles!

She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails.

It's been one of those months...

Every day is a battle.

Some days I lose, some days I win.

And others are stalemates.

It's Been a Minute... or Months...

The last time we spoke, it was the end of May. A lot has changed since then, a lot has also stayed the same.

No longer BFF with Ruby. It all started when she and Stoney kicked us out of their house (yes, it's their house - but hush) at Midnight on a Saturday night with no money, nowhere to go. On top of other things that happened after, I care to never see them again.

We were homeless (literally) for about a month. We are no longer homeless because we were able to buy a house! And not just any house, the house we were renting after the first fire!! The opportunity to buy this home and land never would have presented itself if we were still friends with Ruby & co., so I'm glad (now) things happened the way they did.

We have adopted 4 more furrbabies!! I know, I know, it's like an addiction. We have Jester (aka Momma's Boy) and Harlquin who are our 2 puppies. Then we have Peter Pan and Jasmine who are our 2 newest kitties.

Still married to Maverick and our relationship has its ups and downs. I'm assuming that's normal, lol. But they, we're still trying to make a go of it so that's better than giving up.

I am still enrolled in college, this is my 3rd semester!! I have met quite a few amazing people in college!! I'm glad to be making new friends.

Over Christmas break I ended up in the hospital and I have a new "illness" Non-Alcoholic Liver Disease. I'm suppose to be on this "making better choices" path and truly I just wanna eat all the bad for you stuff. I don't have time or the money to make better grocery choices. Nor do I have the time to exercise properly... however, I am enrolled and attending yoga!!

No longer working a "job job", but I am going to try and some free-lance photography again to try and help make ends meet. No working and being a full-time student really puts a financial strain on the family, of course if we didn't have a million animals (hahaha) it might be a bit easier to handle.

Well, not sure what else to update you on... Wanna know something that I haven't covered? Ask me in the comments and I'll cover it next time.

Hello Friend, It's me again...

Since we last spoke I've been working full time as a cashier and going to college to be an RN while dealing with the aftermath of the fire.

It stormed the other night. Ella was afraid of thunder and lightening so of course I've trained myself to wake up when storms happen so I could make sure she was okay. Sure enough I woke up trying to find her.

And my sweet Aurora. Words can't express my grief for her. I told you that Maverick found her in the room that caught fire, right? Well, the downstairs area is where it started. And the stairwell is blocked off by the backdoor when it's opened. So I'm thinking that since she liked staying downstairs, that she was down there when the fire started. And that she ran into the room that had caught fire (that room is storage and utilities and is always closed) thinking she was running upstairs... because of the door blocking the stairwell. Maverick found her in the nook under the stairs.

And my sweet Ella; didn't have a chance. It started under her bedroom. There was scorch marks on the walls from flames coming out of the vents in her room. My sweet baby. I woke up, put her outside, showered and left for work. Maverick let her in, put her in her room and left for work. A few hours later and she's in a horrible nightmare.

The first few days was pretty hard on all of us. Diego and Tiger Lily kept searching for their sisters. I found myself wanting to call out to both of them as I was saying my byes and giving kisses before I went to work/school.

It's still hard. I'm not sure how I'm getting through all this. I cry. I cry daily for them. I love them. I miss my Ella and Aurora. I also miss my Drake and Kai. The horror of being in a burning house... Just the heat of it from being inside it AFTER the fire dept said it was okay was scary enough. But the inferno inside; while it was burning. The smothering smoke, the intense heat... what a horrible way to die.

I find a lot of my strength through Maverick and Ruby. Both of them are very encouraging of me with the college and working. Sometimes I just want to give up... I scream WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL THIS IF IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY SO QUICKLY, SO HARSHLY.... SO HORRIBLY.

The worst thing ever is to lose a child. They were my children. I am blessed to still have Tiger Lily and Diego. But I want my other 4 back. I can feel them with me. I hope that one day I can forgive myself for letting them down.

We're almost done with the APA (WOOHOO). Only a few more short weeks and 1 massive 3 day tournament to go and then it's good-bye, see ya later!!

On another positive; I've scored 100% on all my math homework!! Math is the worst subject for me, ever, period, it's evil! My brain gets all confused during the quizzes and I've made 1 perfect score on them out of the 9 I've taken so far. We have an exam on Tuesday (cuz no school Monday) for the chapter we just learned. I haven't had a chance to study this weekend... That's gonna hurt!

So right now we're living in a tiny little room in Ruby & Stoney's house. It's us, Ruby's Daughter, Stoney, their 2 dogs and our 2 cats. It's a medium sized house with 3 bedrooms but one of them was converted to a closet for Ruby (she's a clothes and shoes addict). Daughter is staying in there for now on an air mattress. I feel horrible for that; but they all insist everything is OKAY!

My days Mon-Thurs are like this: I wake up and go to class from 9am to 12:30pm then come home and get about 2 hours before I have to go to work. I print off my homework (all homework is submitted online) and work on it as I can during breaks and lunch. Most often I do the bulk of it when I get home from work. I usually end up in bed about 1-2am. I get up about 7am. All I wanna do when I get home is take a nap but I have other responsibilities. I also have an online psychology course which gives me a full time course load. This fall is going to be even more school with: biology, chemistry, spanish I, algebra and composition I. My typical work day is about 3pm - 10pm but sometimes it's 11 or midnight. My weekends are usually shot cuz I'm working mid mornings to early evenings. I don't get to see Maverick.

Speaking of Maverick. He got a raise and promotion. I'm very proud of my husband!! He's also attending online classes through his work to get a technical certificate equivalent to an associates degree.Which is very awesome.

So that's my life right now. And that's why you haven't seen me around. I meant to write daily but that's just not possible right now...

Until next time,
Jester

Devastation... Fire Sucks...

One week ago today we were dealing with the aftermath of another house fire.

It was my first day back into the workforce. My trainer told me it was time for 1st break and so I grabbed my phone & cigarettes while heading to the smoking area. I had 5 missed calls and voicemails... I lit my cigarette and hit play; it's the fire department and police department. My first thought was something happened to Maverick at work. I called them back and they said, after verifying my address, that our house was on fire. I ran back inside, told my trainer what was going on, grabbed my purse and keys and hauled ass to the house.

When I arrived Maverick had just arrived. The streets were blocked off by police and firemen. Maverick rushed to my side and I asked him where the babies were. Tiger Lily & Diego were safe in the back of an animal control vehicle. Ella had not made it and they couldn't find Aurora. My heart sank. I immediately took to social media and tagged everyone on facebook asking for them to share her picture... praying that she had got out of the burning house.

Hours later Maverick sweeped the house again and found her... my precious sweet baby was gone, lost in the fire...

Nothing can prepare you for the loss and devastation of a fire. Nothing can prepare you for the sudden loss of your pets; especially when they are your children.

So that's where I've been... trying to figure out where we go from here.

Maverick texted my best-friend Ruby and told her he needed her help with me. She immediately came to our aide. Her and her husband Stoney have opened their home to us and that is where we are staying right now.

Most people never have to deal with a fire and sudden loss of loved ones. I have now had 4 of my precious babies taken from me due to fire in the last 3 years and 2 months. I often wonder: what did I do to deserve all the heartbreak and misery that I've had to endure? Fires, infertility, cancer, the horrific death of 4 of my furrbabies. I don't understand why this is happening to us...

We were finally making headway: I'm enrolled in college, started a new job, selling the APA, done with the newspapers... WHY when we're finally getting back on track to a happier life...

WHY?

Mother's Day... The worst Holiday for me...

From as far back as I can remember all i have ever wanted was to be a mommy. I had baby dolls galore when growing up. It's all I've ever wanted... to be a Mommy. It's a constant struggle living with infertility; to know the one thing you want above all else is the one thing you may never have.

And a mommy to a human baby I am not; but I am a mommy to my 3 cats and 1 puppy; which I see all the time "furry baby mommies are not real mommies". And that breaks my heart because they are my kids. I love them as much as I would love my own flesh & blood.

So Mother's Day is not my favorite day of the year; it's actually the worst day of the year for me... because of the Infertility... and I have 3 awesome women in my life that are "mom" to me; and then there's the woman who gave birth to me; who makes this day even harder than it already is...

First... We have MOTHER - the woman who gave birth to me, did not raise me, has caused much more grief, hurt, anxiety and anger than any mother should give to her child. When I told her I was having surgery and may never be able to have kids again she actually said to me that it was MY PUNISHMENT for her not being able to raise me or see me grow up... Yes. That was gut wrenching; to open up to your Mother and leave yourself as raw as possible... I never should have told her anything about my infertility or cancer issues.

I remember being at my grandparent's house a lot growing up (Her Dad & Step-Mom). They would help Daddy take care of me. I remember wanting her attention and she'd just stare out the window. She had issues... Issues after I came along. I wish I could have known her before she fell apart. The young, vibrant, beautiful lady that my Daddy fell in love with. Instead I have horrible memories of a woman who has tried to kill me and my dad. Who's violent husbands has served no other purpose but to push me further away from her.

I have tried off and on to build a relationship with her. Daddy never tried to keep me from her although I know he wanted to. She did not have court ordered visitation rights to see me and the few times I saw her growing up they had to be supervised at all times... Because of her I spent about 9 months of my toddler years in a foster care home I don't remember anything about it; I was so young. But I do remember my 2nd foster home; one of her Sisters and one of my Dad's biggest allies on her side of the family kept me for several years. To this day I remember thinking that her 2 sons were my brothers and she was my mom. But I knew the truth, deep down inside I knew the truth.

Daddy finally got custody of me again; I was about 6 years old... I was taken at 2 years old, I spent 4 years in a foster home. I am blessed that it was with family. I am blessed that I got to see my dad on a regular basis because it was family. I remember Mother trying to see me when she got out of the hospital... she'd try and be sneaky about it. I remember her and my Aunt getting into fights over me.

My 2nd "mom" is Gwen... She's daddy's 2nd wife and the mother of Gaia. They married when I was 5 or 6 years old. Gaia came just before I turned 7. I know that she did her best with me but I remember her being very distant. To this day she is still more like a friend than a mom. I still call her mom... She and I have the same name; so it did get a little confusing in the house sometimes! She and daddy divorced not too longer after Gaia turned 1... Gwen tried to still be a mom figure to me but she was so busy with her life and other things that I kind of fell to the way side. Which I don't blame her. Her sole responsibility was my sister. And that's okay. I still love her and I am thankful that she's been there for me when I did need her.

(I'm skipping #3 on purpose... she doesn't really count as she was only in my life the few months they were married...)

My 3rd "mom" is Momma... Daddy's 4th wife. They have been together since I was about 18/19 years old... After I graduated high school myself, Jed and Sulley lived together in Sulley's mom's house when she went to stay with her mom... I spent most of my time going back & forth between Sulley's and Daddy's until Momma and Daddy got married. I will admit our relationship was not the best and I didn't think we would ever see eye to eye on anything; after all she came into my life when I didn't feel I needed a mom anymore, I had "grown up". But finally, miracle beyond all miracles, we got along!! And here we are; several years later... it's not the perfect or most ideal mother/daughter relationship but she is the closest thing I've ever had to tried and true mom. I can talk to her about things and she gives good advice. I know she makes my daddy happy so that makes me happy.

My BONUS MOM is Mumsy! Maverick's mom. She's been the best mother-in-law a girl could ever wish for!! She's honest, supportive, understanding... I could just go on and on. I wish she was my birth mom - okay, that's weird yes given the fact that I'm married to her youngest son but I think you get the gist of what i'm saying. I am so very blessed and thankful that I have a terrific mother in law. It truly does make the world a better place!!

I wanted to give a shout out to all of Daddy's friend's wives/girlfriends & my friend's Moms who tried to help & step in when needed while I was growing up. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't know how to do make up, cook, kind of do my hair, paint my fingers & toesies... or knew what to do when my first menses came. Those are the women who are truly a blessing in any girls life.. the ones who cared about the single dad's daughter, the ones who stepped up when they didn't have to and the ones who took the outcast bird under their wing and taught them to fly.

So how does one with infertility issues avoid the hurt, aches and pains of Mother's Day?... I hide. I don't get on Facebook or other social media for the whole weekend starting on Friday and a lot of times I skip Monday too (that's why this is getting posted now... not later)... it hurts seeing all the HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY posts to everyone. I get on for 5 seconds to send a quick shout out to my sisters and Moms then I log off and avoid it like the plaque. Avoid the Hallmark Channel and anything really that COULD have a MOM theme... It's so hard living life feeling like you're empty inside; that there's nothing that could ever fill that hole inside your soul. Thankfully I have my 4 furry babies; but since the fire I seem to dwell on the 2 I lost... And I can't help that; like any mother who lost a child I grieve for them everyday.

To all the Human Mommies, Furry Baby Mommies and Mommies whose children are no longer with us... I wish you the Best Mom's Day that you could possible have...

I'm a college student... WHAT?!

About a month ago I started the process of going back to school!

I had to decide on what I wanted to major in... Since most of the positions that I have held in the past now require some college or course work I thought to myself long and hard if those were the courses I wanted to take. And I decided - No, they were not what I wanted to take! If I was going to go back to school; I wanted to go in something more meaningful and that would give me more opportunities and have extra areas of study within the programs.

Then I had to apply and get accepted. Which was rather easy except that when I first moved here I had apparently sent in my information to see about courses and so they had all my information in there prior to my marriage to Maverick. That was a small little hurdle but they seem to have finally got all the key components updated.

Now the fun really starts!! I needed to take an entrance exam, apply for student aid, talk to a counselor and get my summer schedule, obtain my immunization records and get my student ID. Surprisingly enough I did very well on the exam and my lowest scores were math; but we knew that was gonna happen. When I took my scores in to the counselor and I told her I wanted to get my Associates of Science in Nursing (R.N.) she asked me if I would consider becoming a teacher. While that does sound awesome and I have thought about it, I really want to be an RN. This past week has been spent finishing up little details like the immunization records and my student ID which we obtained yesterday.

Classes start in less than two weeks. I need to set myself up with the online course portal and get my books. Then I'll be all set. I'm going to need to work my butt off and get the best grades possible so that in the spring when the next clinicals are filled for the Nursing Courses that I get picked for my RN courses immediately and not have to wait or fall back on doing LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) until next go -which I have nothing against; it's just longer time in school and I already have a path that's going to take quite some time. What is that path? Well, after I get my Associates I want to get my Bachelors and from there I want to get my Masters. That opens the door to becoming a Nurse Practitioner and/or Nurse Midwife. So yea, I have pretty big goals and if I need to start at the LPN stage then it's gonna take a year longer. The LPN program is 1 year and the RN is 2 years. Bachelors is 4 years. I may end up stopping at my Bachelors but we'll see what's going on at the time. No need to get caught up in the future just concentrate on what's going on right now.

Meanwhile during the whole crash course in becoming a college student; I spent much of my time looking for jobs and was hired yesterday! No longer will I be working nightshifts -well, maybe not nightshift as a paper carrier! My schedule is open all night and during the evenings and I requested as many hours as possible so we'll see what happens. I'll start as a cashier for a major retail company tomorrow working mostly the evening shifts since I have school starting at 9am.

My husband is really proud of me for going back to school. If I had known it was this easy I would have done it a long time ago!!

I will finish up the Jester & Maverick blog challenge as soon as we are able to get our 5th wedding anniversary gifts. I want to make one post all at once.

4th Year Wedding Anniversary

--I've updated the previous anniversary posts to include a synopsis of events that happened that year--

Our 4th year together was extremely uneventful! We worked our asses off doing the paper routes and running the APA franchise with a few photo shoots thrown in for a good mix. This is the time we brought Diego into our home; he & Aurora have the same mom. We ended up selling his motorcycle and not really doing anything except working and more working which creates a dull and boring atmosphere. oh- one semi exciting thing happened; we started the process of becoming Foster Parents and then was denied because of the charges that were brought against me and then dropped due to self defense when Jed nearly beat me to death when I was 20; yes, holding something against me from 15 years prior that was in self defense. They say they need more foster parents but yet aren't willing to work with people because of self defense? Anyways... on to happier things! This is also the year I was diagnosed with IRPCOS.

4th year wedding anniversary gifts: LINEN & HYDRANGEA

For our anniversary of Linen he got me an embroidered linen 4 years and counting wall hanging and I got him throw pillows made of Linen because he's been asking for pillows :-)

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This post is the 13th in a series of posts that will chronicle milestones and anniversaries. We're coming up on our 5th year Wedding Anniversary & this summer marks 10 years of our relationship officially beginning... I hope you enjoy!!

3rd Year Anniversary

Our 3rd year of Marriage was spent rebuilding our lives & our relationship with each other... our 2nd year was full of grief; 3rd was full of healing. I could finally go to sleep without crying. We missed playing pool with our friends and were quickly figuring out who was a true friend and who wasn't. We spent many nights watching instead of playing and that hurt a lot. This is also the year that Maverick was laid off from the manufacturing plant and he started the paper route which means it's also the time frame I started mine as well to help recover some lost income. This is the year we got Aurora Nyx and Tiger Lily.

3rd Year of Marriage... Leather & Sunflowers

I knew immediately what I wanted to get Maverick for our 3rd year anniversary and I was really expecting whips or something from him... Since I no longer worked outside of the home Maverick promised me that I could get a sleeve of all of the anniversary flowers so they'd live on forever... I'm still waiting to start on my sleeve...

He surprised me with this awesome Celtic love knot necklace that's made from leather with silver angel wings. I love it!! And I got him a leather bound bible to replace his that was damaged in the fire.

 We exchanged gifts a few days early because we would be in Las Vegas for our actual anniversary date for our first League Operator Conference. It was an amazing experience. I will miss those days but I'm looking forward to being somewhere other than Vegas for our anniversaries.

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This post is the 12th in a series of posts that will chronicle milestones and anniversaries. We're coming up on our 5th year Wedding Anniversary & this summer marks 10 years of our relationship officially beginning... I hope you enjoy!!

Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary

Our 2nd year of marriage together was spent recovering from our House Fire. We had just purchased a house at the end of February and it burned the middle of March taking Drake & Kai with it along with 90% of our belongings. It was spent in mourning & grief trying to pick our lives back up and move forward. Because of that we decided to purchase the local APA league and I quit my job at the Car Lot to run it full-time and concentrate on my photography to grow it as a business. We still played lots of pool and at first loved traveling to Vegas  for nationals. We would go for long rides together to try and pull me out of a great depression that I was sinking into. We also purchased a race horse with some friends ... I mean if you're going to live a in a town known for racing horses then you gotta own a horse at some point, right?!

This is also the time frame that Sapphire was born and we went on our Cruise to Mexico. Both of those events helped me tremendously in acknowledging that life goes on and we have to move forward no matter what.

Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary Gifts.... COTTON & LILLY

Goodness let me tell you; THAT was a hard one!! I had no idea... every gift search I came up with had to do with clothes or towels or bed linens are something like that and that was NOT the gift I wanted to give my husband for our 2nd year anniversary. Especially since our house just burned down and we lost Drake & Kai in the fire.

He did get me a beautiful bouquet of roses & lilies then surprised me with a white sapphire necklace with matching ring. He said he couldn't think of anything either that was COTTON!

Mutually we ended up getting me a helmet (cuz mine was in the fire) and we got matching seat covers for his truck and my car. We went to Shoguns for dinner and it was fabulous!

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This post is the 11th in a series of posts that will chronicle milestones and anniversaries. We're coming up on our 5th year Wedding Anniversary & this summer marks 10 years of our relationship officially beginning... I hope you enjoy!!