And a mommy to a human baby I am not; but I am a mommy to my 3 cats and 1 puppy; which I see all the time "furry baby mommies are not real mommies". And that breaks my heart because they are my kids. I love them as much as I would love my own flesh & blood.
So Mother's Day is not my favorite day of the year; it's actually the worst day of the year for me... because of the Infertility... and I have 3 awesome women in my life that are "mom" to me; and then there's the woman who gave birth to me; who makes this day even harder than it already is...
First... We have MOTHER - the woman who gave birth to me, did not raise me, has caused much more grief, hurt, anxiety and anger than any mother should give to her child. When I told her I was having surgery and may never be able to have kids again she actually said to me that it was MY PUNISHMENT for her not being able to raise me or see me grow up... Yes. That was gut wrenching; to open up to your Mother and leave yourself as raw as possible... I never should have told her anything about my infertility or cancer issues.
I remember being at my grandparent's house a lot growing up (Her Dad & Step-Mom). They would help Daddy take care of me. I remember wanting her attention and she'd just stare out the window. She had issues... Issues after I came along. I wish I could have known her before she fell apart. The young, vibrant, beautiful lady that my Daddy fell in love with. Instead I have horrible memories of a woman who has tried to kill me and my dad. Who's violent husbands has served no other purpose but to push me further away from her.
I have tried off and on to build a relationship with her. Daddy never tried to keep me from her although I know he wanted to. She did not have court ordered visitation rights to see me and the few times I saw her growing up they had to be supervised at all times... Because of her I spent about 9 months of my toddler years in a foster care home I don't remember anything about it; I was so young. But I do remember my 2nd foster home; one of her Sisters and one of my Dad's biggest allies on her side of the family kept me for several years. To this day I remember thinking that her 2 sons were my brothers and she was my mom. But I knew the truth, deep down inside I knew the truth.
Daddy finally got custody of me again; I was about 6 years old... I was taken at 2 years old, I spent 4 years in a foster home. I am blessed that it was with family. I am blessed that I got to see my dad on a regular basis because it was family. I remember Mother trying to see me when she got out of the hospital... she'd try and be sneaky about it. I remember her and my Aunt getting into fights over me.
My 2nd "mom" is Gwen... She's daddy's 2nd wife and the mother of Gaia. They married when I was 5 or 6 years old. Gaia came just before I turned 7. I know that she did her best with me but I remember her being very distant. To this day she is still more like a friend than a mom. I still call her mom... She and I have the same name; so it did get a little confusing in the house sometimes! She and daddy divorced not too longer after Gaia turned 1... Gwen tried to still be a mom figure to me but she was so busy with her life and other things that I kind of fell to the way side. Which I don't blame her. Her sole responsibility was my sister. And that's okay. I still love her and I am thankful that she's been there for me when I did need her.
(I'm skipping #3 on purpose... she doesn't really count as she was only in my life the few months they were married...)
My 3rd "mom" is Momma... Daddy's 4th wife. They have been together since I was about 18/19 years old... After I graduated high school myself, Jed and Sulley lived together in Sulley's mom's house when she went to stay with her mom... I spent most of my time going back & forth between Sulley's and Daddy's until Momma and Daddy got married. I will admit our relationship was not the best and I didn't think we would ever see eye to eye on anything; after all she came into my life when I didn't feel I needed a mom anymore, I had "grown up". But finally, miracle beyond all miracles, we got along!! And here we are; several years later... it's not the perfect or most ideal mother/daughter relationship but she is the closest thing I've ever had to tried and true mom. I can talk to her about things and she gives good advice. I know she makes my daddy happy so that makes me happy.
My BONUS MOM is Mumsy! Maverick's mom. She's been the best mother-in-law a girl could ever wish for!! She's honest, supportive, understanding... I could just go on and on. I wish she was my birth mom - okay, that's weird yes given the fact that I'm married to her youngest son but I think you get the gist of what i'm saying. I am so very blessed and thankful that I have a terrific mother in law. It truly does make the world a better place!!
I wanted to give a shout out to all of Daddy's friend's wives/girlfriends & my friend's Moms who tried to help & step in when needed while I was growing up. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't know how to do make up, cook, kind of do my hair, paint my fingers & toesies... or knew what to do when my first menses came. Those are the women who are truly a blessing in any girls life.. the ones who cared about the single dad's daughter, the ones who stepped up when they didn't have to and the ones who took the outcast bird under their wing and taught them to fly.
So how does one with infertility issues avoid the hurt, aches and pains of Mother's Day?... I hide. I don't get on Facebook or other social media for the whole weekend starting on Friday and a lot of times I skip Monday too (that's why this is getting posted now... not later)... it hurts seeing all the HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY posts to everyone. I get on for 5 seconds to send a quick shout out to my sisters and Moms then I log off and avoid it like the plaque. Avoid the Hallmark Channel and anything really that COULD have a MOM theme... It's so hard living life feeling like you're empty inside; that there's nothing that could ever fill that hole inside your soul. Thankfully I have my 4 furry babies; but since the fire I seem to dwell on the 2 I lost... And I can't help that; like any mother who lost a child I grieve for them everyday.
To all the Human Mommies, Furry Baby Mommies and Mommies whose children are no longer with us... I wish you the Best Mom's Day that you could possible have...
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