It stormed the other night. Ella was afraid of thunder and lightening so of course I've trained myself to wake up when storms happen so I could make sure she was okay. Sure enough I woke up trying to find her.
And my sweet Aurora. Words can't express my grief for her. I told you that Maverick found her in the room that caught fire, right? Well, the downstairs area is where it started. And the stairwell is blocked off by the backdoor when it's opened. So I'm thinking that since she liked staying downstairs, that she was down there when the fire started. And that she ran into the room that had caught fire (that room is storage and utilities and is always closed) thinking she was running upstairs... because of the door blocking the stairwell. Maverick found her in the nook under the stairs.
And my sweet Ella; didn't have a chance. It started under her bedroom. There was scorch marks on the walls from flames coming out of the vents in her room. My sweet baby. I woke up, put her outside, showered and left for work. Maverick let her in, put her in her room and left for work. A few hours later and she's in a horrible nightmare.
The first few days was pretty hard on all of us. Diego and Tiger Lily kept searching for their sisters. I found myself wanting to call out to both of them as I was saying my byes and giving kisses before I went to work/school.
It's still hard. I'm not sure how I'm getting through all this. I cry. I cry daily for them. I love them. I miss my Ella and Aurora. I also miss my Drake and Kai. The horror of being in a burning house... Just the heat of it from being inside it AFTER the fire dept said it was okay was scary enough. But the inferno inside; while it was burning. The smothering smoke, the intense heat... what a horrible way to die.
I find a lot of my strength through Maverick and Ruby. Both of them are very encouraging of me with the college and working. Sometimes I just want to give up... I scream WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL THIS IF IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY SO QUICKLY, SO HARSHLY.... SO HORRIBLY.
The worst thing ever is to lose a child. They were my children. I am blessed to still have Tiger Lily and Diego. But I want my other 4 back. I can feel them with me. I hope that one day I can forgive myself for letting them down.
We're almost done with the APA (WOOHOO). Only a few more short weeks and 1 massive 3 day tournament to go and then it's good-bye, see ya later!!
On another positive; I've scored 100% on all my math homework!! Math is the worst subject for me, ever, period, it's evil! My brain gets all confused during the quizzes and I've made 1 perfect score on them out of the 9 I've taken so far. We have an exam on Tuesday (cuz no school Monday) for the chapter we just learned. I haven't had a chance to study this weekend... That's gonna hurt!
So right now we're living in a tiny little room in Ruby & Stoney's house. It's us, Ruby's Daughter, Stoney, their 2 dogs and our 2 cats. It's a medium sized house with 3 bedrooms but one of them was converted to a closet for Ruby (she's a clothes and shoes addict). Daughter is staying in there for now on an air mattress. I feel horrible for that; but they all insist everything is OKAY!
My days Mon-Thurs are like this: I wake up and go to class from 9am to 12:30pm then come home and get about 2 hours before I have to go to work. I print off my homework (all homework is submitted online) and work on it as I can during breaks and lunch. Most often I do the bulk of it when I get home from work. I usually end up in bed about 1-2am. I get up about 7am. All I wanna do when I get home is take a nap but I have other responsibilities. I also have an online psychology course which gives me a full time course load. This fall is going to be even more school with: biology, chemistry, spanish I, algebra and composition I. My typical work day is about 3pm - 10pm but sometimes it's 11 or midnight. My weekends are usually shot cuz I'm working mid mornings to early evenings. I don't get to see Maverick.
Speaking of Maverick. He got a raise and promotion. I'm very proud of my husband!! He's also attending online classes through his work to get a technical certificate equivalent to an associates degree.Which is very awesome.
So that's my life right now. And that's why you haven't seen me around. I meant to write daily but that's just not possible right now...
Until next time,
Jester
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