Don't get me wrong. I am SUPER HAPPY for all my friends, family, acquaintances, people in general... who are out there getting pregnant and having babies. It just leaves me with hurt, hate and jealousy.
Yes, Yes, I know... I am a horrible person. No reason for me to feel all that just because someone announced they're having a baby. But dammit I want one too. That's all I've wanted for as long as I can remember was to have a huge family and lots of chittlins. Yes - I just called them chittlins.
I feel like the most horrible wife in the world because it's ME that is the reason we have no babies and I feel that Maverick deserves to be with someone who will give him babies and he's stubborn and won't leave me; even when I make his life a living hell - which is NOT intentional. It comes with the no-baby-having disease. I can not have babies. At least not right now. And every day that passes by is another day that makes it harder for me to conceive.
I won't go into a mess of details - oh hell why not? I'll just gross you all out for a while...
Once upon a time there was a girl who had her first period. And it lasted for months and months. Her daddy took her to the Dr. who said "she needs to be on birth control pills to regulate her cycle". This girl was not over weight or under weight. She was in the middle. She was curvy for a girl her age (I started when I was 13) and most of the kids at school accused her of stuffing (even though they were really small - and still are; it's because she had to wear training bras because even back then and to this day my nipples are permanently hard and stick out). The Dr. said that eventually my cycle would regulate itself with the help of the pill.
I stayed on the pill until I was with Jed and we wanted to have babies. We split up because he was cheating on me and I went to the Dr to have STD tests done because of said cheating. Tests come back clear on the STD; however, I have stage 1 cervical cancer. And thus starts the battle of staying alive. I went through treatments and surgeries and eventually given the all clear. This all happened between my 17th and 19th birthday.
I was a good patient and got my screening done every 6 months like I was told. I was never told that ANYTHING they did would prevent me from having a baby..... Fast forward a few years and we don't have insurance (yes, back with Jed - I'm stupid) so I'm not getting testing regularly. It's starting to hurt when we -- you know... His mom worked for a Dr. and got me in to see them for free (that was a blessing). My tests came back horrible. I was now at a stage 3 for cancer! How did this happen in just a 2 year time frame?! I'm 23 years old and the Dr. is referring me to a cancer specialist. The specialist is saying he wants to do a hysterectomy, I'm crying and pleading to please don't do that to me; that I want to be a MOMMY.
"I just want to be a mommy" I sobbed over and over again into my hands.
We start on rounds of medication and I get set up for surgery. Two days before Christmas I have 90% of my cervix removed, my uterine walls scrapped, my Fallopian tubes are scraped... EVERYTHING was tested, biopsied, everything, even my ovaries.
After what seemed like forever I finally get all my results back; he says I have to stay on some meds for a while but looks like they got everything - yay - but if I'm serious about having babies then I need to start a rigorous infertility treatment as soon as i'm healed, can have sex again and no longer on the bad/but good meds.
Fast forward a few months; go in for more biopsies and we get the all clear! Well, we have insurance again - and it's fanfuckingtastic insurance. It's going to cover everything we need for the baby making!
OH I SHOULD MENTION... that in the 10 years that's passed I've gained well over 100 lbs. I went from being "curvy" to severely obese. I didn't eat a lot, I was active, yes I was depressed off and on. I walked a lot back and forth to work cuz of one vehicle that he had all the time. I weighed in about 250 lbs when all this was going on with the surgery.
OKAY, so that Spring of the year I turned 24 it was baby making time! We went on Chlomid and I was maxed out at the highest dosage within a few months. We did oral medications for a long time because the tests SAID I should have ovulated. But Dr never went any further or investigated or told me to lose weight or tested my blood sugar or anything. Just put me on the baby makers and said have sex! The Dr. said that should have been all I needed to kick start my ovaries; said my ovaries didn't know what to do because I was on the pill at such a young age.
By Christmas we were preparing to start more aggressive forms of infertility treatments like IVF, etc. Which by a miracle Jed decided to quit his fanfuckingtastic job and lose the amazing insurance we had... now it's a blessing; then it was a curse, or I thought it was.
We needed money and Crystal's mom passed away so I headed off to Chicago and stayed there for a few months to help her get her parent's estate settled and stay with her dad while they waited for his place at the assisted living to be available. While I was there an affair happened between Jed and Moe; who was my best friend since Middle School... and it turns out he got someone else knocked up; his mom paid for her to have an abortion... etc etc etc.
I'm 25 years old, just turned it actually... I'm a single woman and the last thing on my mind is babies. Yes, I wanna be a mommy but I don't even think I want a man at that point!
I moved back to my hometown (I'm over 300 lbs now) and fiddled around there for a while and moved to Chicago the following summer (due to depression and starvation I went down to 170 in about a year). I haven't had insurance since Christmas 2004 and it's now Summer of 2006. I have dealt with slowly recurring period problems: excessive bleeding, bleeding for months on end... etc. Summer of 2007 I haven't had my period in a long while. I'm at work and suddenly there is blood all around me on the floor and I feel pressure between my legs. I run to the bathroom and - well, it's gross - pass a huge clot that was about the size of a baseball. I called Crystal and I called my boss. My friend came to get me (i hid in the women's bathroom) and they sent security over to relieve me.
Get to the Hospital and they do a pregnancy test which came up negative. If I was pregnant it would have been more than a clump the size of a baseball it would have been a 7 month fetus that's how long it'd been since I done the humpty dance. They do an ultrasound and they see all these masses in my uterus. So immediately I need a Specialist and they won't treat any further.
I get to see my friend's Dr, who after her ultra sound and seeing the ER ultra sound, schedules me for an immediate DNC and biopsies before we do anything else. She comes back and says that everything was benign this time but encouraged me to have a hysterectomy. NO, I want babies I said. She asked me if I was with someone who wanted babies too, or if I was single, etc. Explained I was single dating someone and she said that to let her know when I was ready to try and she'd help me. Said that the cancer and all my treatments was making it hard but if we found the right combo of things then I should have a little one soon. She put me on oral Provera to keep my cycle straight so I won't have the cysts anymore in my uterus.
Fast forward a year and Maverick and I wanna have babies. We try to do the chlomid thing again and we're having mixed issues because now I have severe back problems too and on pain meds alot... and it's just not a healthy baby making environment but we try and I stop the pain meds and it doesn't work. I ended up having to have surgery to fuse my spine in Aug 2009 and she wanted to refer me before that to a specialist for IVF but neither of our insurances would cover such a thing. Due to the pain I've become stagnant in my lifestyle, depressed so i'm binge eating and I'm back over 200 lbs again.
We moved to Arkansas in the Fall of 2010. It took forever for me to find a Dr. here that was seeing new patients. Even after me telling them how extremely important it was that I not see just a family Dr. but all the specialists wanted a referral. I finally get to see a specialist and I explain that my meds are about to run out and what happens when they do and about the cancer, etc. We do a test, all clear, continue on with the meds. She asked me if I ever considered a hysterectomy instead of basically playing russian roulette with my life. UGH. I told her I wanted to be a mommy. So we started back on the chlomid. Instead of letting me go for months and months on it she wouldn't go past 3 months and referred me to a specialist in Little Rock. Well, that's not gonna work cuz our insurance doesn't cover and they want $10,000 retainer upfront. Yea. that's what I said!
A little over two years ago one of my cousins, Velvet, got in touch with me. We had been connected on FB for a while so she had seen my struggles with infertility. Velvet wanted me to know that we have a history in our family with PCOS, diabetes, etc on our Mothers's side of the family. We meet up and talk. She had gastric bypass surgery after years of failure with the Metformin & Chlomid mix. After the surgery and Velvet lost all the weight her and hubby was able to conceive with the Chlomid. That next day I went to speak with my Dr. and told her about all the history I had gotten from my Mother's side of the family that I didn't know about because me and Mother don't speak. We did more tests and sure enough...
I am a Cancer Survivor Living with IRPCOS aka Insulin Resistant Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
Insulin Resistance happens when the insulin that's naturally made by the body does not process consumed sugars properly and thus becomes stored as fat leaving the person prone to heart problems and kidney disease. This can leave a person frustrated if they diet & can't lose weight; it's because the body isn't using the food properly; and it does this to all foods consumed. Failure to properly treat Insulin Resistance can lead to type 2 diabetes.
PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) is a hormone imbalance in which a female has excess androgen (male hormones) which results in acne, excess hair, difficulty losing weight, can inhibit the maturing of eggs and damage follicles in the ovaries. Insulin Resistance is the leading cause of PCOS. PCOS is linked to infertility, type 2 diabetes in women and cancer such as uterine and cervical.
I find out this information when I'm 33 years old. After spending 20 years battling my weight, battling hormones, battling infertility, I find out when I'm 33. When I've lost my will to care sometimes because I'm just so over life and it's curve balls. BUT we tried again; and she let me try the Chlomid mixed with Metformin & Provera was cut out. We tried for 6 months and when I didn't get pregnant but instead was having the cysts again which led to another DNC, hysterocopy and biopsies. I lost my health insurance shortly thereafter.
Currently I'm 35 almost 36 years old. I'm suppose to be on the monthly 1 week dose of Provera and Metformin 3x a day. I however have not had insurance since my last Drs visit mentioned above so it's been about a year since I've been on my meds. My weight gain has intensified which I'm sure it's because I use to be on the Metformin and now I'm not so I'm about to just starve myself again - because HONESTLY, If I don't eat anything then my body has nothing to process into sugar and store it as fat.
So that's my story of my infertility, weight loss and cancer struggles. Kudos to you if you've made it to the end of the story without getting sick to your stomach. I'm sorry it was raw and vulgar in detail but sometimes that's just the way it is; my life is a raw and vulgar script of comedy & tragedy. Hence the reason my nickname is Jester. That's one of the reasons but a good one none the less.
I have given up the hope of ever conceiving; but it still hurts deep inside when I see others having babies and I can't have the babies... BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG... i am happy for them too! The hatred I feel is not towards anyone other than myself; my body that I feel that is betraying me.
All too often I'm depressed, I can be a volatile person with the hormone imbalances and I know it's hard on Maverick, I'm "lazy" because I don't have the energy to do anything, my body hurts so bad sometimes I can't even move... and it's all from the IRPCOS.
If I'm not careful I'm going to be over 300 lbs again and I'm slowly inching closer and closer to it every month. I've got to get myself back on the path to being a healthier me before it kills me.
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